Tools for Effective Communication, One Hairball at a Time

Think of the last time someone made you mad and rather than tell them you held it in, vented to someone else or stuffed yourself with food. According to communication expert Katy Byrne, author of the entertaining new book Hairball Diaries: The Courage to Speak Up (Langmarc Publishing, 2007), that’s a human hairball, a complicated web of pent up emotions and unsaid needs and wants, rooted in fear.

Katy Byrne, MA, MFT (a.k.a. Dr. Red) is uniquely honest about her lifelong struggle with communication, which led to a divorce and an eating disorder. It wasn't until she developed strength and learned to express herself did she win a lifelong battle with overeating and lost 100 pounds. Inspired by her beloved cat Einstein, Hairball Diaries: The Courage to Speak Up chronicles Byrnes' hilarious struggle in an easy-to-read format that is ideal for today’s busy men and women. Using personal experiences and 25 years of professional expertise as a family therapist, radio show host and columnist, Byrne exposes that which keeps us from our full potential. Along the way readers, through insightful questions and journaling, learn how to silence their inner critic, harness the power of anger and uncover and properly eliminate hairballs in all areas of their lives.

Frequently Asked Questions about Hairball Diaries: The Courage to Speak Up

1. What is a human hairball?
A human hairball is emotional congestion inside the body that causes unhappiness. Cats get out their hairballs when something is stuck in their gut or throats, then they are at peace again. If people could identify what is bothering them and how to resolve it, there would be greater peace at home, the workplace, in communities and the world.

2. Why did I write this book?
I wrote this book because I found myself writing at night to get my own thoughts and frustrations out, especially when I was most lonely and confused. In talking to other people, I discovered that they shared my challenges so it was suggested that I offer my “Hairballs” to our local newspaper, Sonoma County Women’s Voices. They immediately loved the idea and asked me to write a column called The Hairball that chronicled my personal daily struggles as a reflection of what others were feeling as well. It is essentially an extension of my column, covering most of the common issues we all face today.

3. Who is this book ideal for?
This book is ideal for men and women who feel isolated, stuck, depressed, or who are going through life feeling restricted, bored or lacking in some way. By providing my own personal example and encouraging people to express themselves shamelessly, the book helps people of all ages and backgrounds to achieve vitality, connection and intimacy. It can cure overeating, create business success, and provides a model for life. It is a vehicle for any person desiring to remove frustrations, confusions and find solutions.

4. Why do people hold back in their communication?
People hold back for many reasons. We have learned that setting limits, shutting down, creating walls or detaching helps us feel better. We are afraid of hurting someone, of being rejected, abandoned, causing conflict, losing our jobs or internal voices tell us, “It won’t matter anyway,” etc. We lack the courage to speak up when we most need to.

5. I contend that conversation can change the world. How is this possible?
I contend that conversation can change the world because buried inside each of us is a small child who was once hurt or scared. The early scars repeat themselves throughout our lives. In conversation that is honest, we discover that our early fears created anxiety about being truthful. It is only by revealing oneself that we can get close to others. If I say to you, "I long for more sex in our marriage,” one can discover the other person’s fear of sadness or of being swallowed up. Perhaps they were never free to express their desires or grief because they felt responsible for a parent? This sorting process helps us to have compassion for each other and that is where the connection happens. Then, we can move forward into building a new belief structure together.

In summary, being a partner, friend, family, community, co-worker or planet that communicates well, entails a firm vow to do so, with compassion. I learned this from my cat, who always was gentle, even after a hairball or spat, returning time and time again to kindness. By using the journal exercises in my book we can work towards a worldball that dialogues better, has great fun and lives life to it's fullest.

Give yourself or someone you love the gift of the courage to speak up.